


If all I got is your hand in mine, baby I could die a happy man

by komkommertijd



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drunk crying, First Love, Heartbreak, I'm bad at writing pain but oh well, M/M, Pain, Post-Break Up, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:35:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23421031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/komkommertijd/pseuds/komkommertijd
Summary: Daniel feels miserable for wanting Max back, for craving his hugs and his gentle kisses, his jokes and his tired smiles. He feels miserable for being jealous of Charles who's now on the receiving end of Max's love.
Relationships: Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen, Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Kudos: 44





	If all I got is your hand in mine, baby I could die a happy man

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back to my late-night shenanigans and this little something based on a Twitter post I saw on my Instagram timeline. I sincerely apologize for this.
> 
> As usual, English is not my first language so please bear with me here. The title is from Die A Happy Man by Tuka and it's 4 am so I have no real explanation for that.
> 
> Have fun reading this, I hope it's somewhat enjoyable despite the pain :)
> 
> (Also, feedback is always appreciated so feel free to leave some for me if you want,,,)

It's almost midnight when Daniel returns home. He turns on the lights in his apartment and falls down on the sofa in the living room. The city lights sparkle on the other side of the window front and Daniel sighs quietly. The alcohol is slowly fogging his brain while he watches the world outside, the buzzing life of the city in the middle of the night.

His phone vibrates on the coffee table, the screen lighting up with an incoming message. His head hurts from the bright artificial light so he leaves the phone where it is and somehow makes his way to the bathroom.

It takes a hot shower to ease his mind and he washes his drunk thoughts down the drain with some water and shampoo. He almost trips when he tries to put a fresh pair of boxers on and then he's stumbling through the hallway with his pathetic reflection in the fogged mirror still present in his mind, his wet curls dripping all over the expensive carpet in his living room. 

His heated skin begins to cool when it touches the leather of the sofa and he groans when the ceiling spins above him. He's never ever doing shots with Kimi again. Except he knows that he will end up in the same bar the coming week, on the same bar chair next to his old friend with the same overpriced vodka in front of him.

Sometimes he wonders when he threw his life away. He's successful and he has enough money to support a flamboyant lifestyle but he ends up wondering whether he's actually happy with it all. Melbourne is loud and bright and Daniel is really not a city boy. The lights of the streets and buildings around him reflect on the ceiling and it blurs into an ocean of yellows, oranges, and reds above Daniel's head.

A single tear runs down his cheekbone, grazes his temple and adds to the wet spot on the pillow underneath his head. His chest feels empty and his mind keeps spinning in sync with the room around him.

He yells in frustration and his head punishes him for it with hammering pain behind his temples. Daniel sits up on the couch and rubs his eyes. His gaze falls on the phone on the table when the blinking stars from the motion of his palms against his eyelids disappear. He remembers the message waiting for him and carefully pics the device up, feels the cool glass and plastic and metal underneath his fingertips and applies gentle pressure to the power button.

The blue light illuminates his face and stings in his eyes. It reveals a text message from an unknown number, digits scattered across the display in a combination he doesn't recognize but looking at it makes something inside of him ache as if he's supposed to know the face on the other end of the message. 

He unlocks his phone after the third try, struggling with the fingerprint sensor and wiping it on the pillow until it grants him access to his current object of interest. He tries to figure out whether a text message actually classifies as an object but his head ends the process of thinking too hard with another painful throb. Daniel puts his focus on the mess of words in front of his eyes and this time the ache in his heart isn't as faint anymore.

White against blue. His hands begin to tremble when he reads the words and regret pools in the pit of his stomach.

_Hi, is this still Daniel's number?_

_It's Max. I hope you remember me._

Daniel snorts when he reads the second message because the entire situation feels unreal and damn, how could he not remember Max Verstappen and his bright blue eyes that probably hurt more than the artificial light of Daniel's phone screen. With his heartwarming laughter and stupid jokes and immature behavior. Max Verstappen with his anxieties and insecurities and the untamable willpower behind his facade. 

Of course Daniel remembers him. He remembers the way his heart skipped a beat every time Max smiled and he remembers the pain and the sleepless nights after he left. Daniel bites his lip and ignores the thoughts that rumble behind his skull, ignores the reasons for his weekly therapist sessions, as he likes to call it, with Kimi.

_I'm getting married tomorrow. I just wanted to send you this message before that. Charles, my fiancé, knows that I'm texting you and he's okay with it, you remember Charles right?_   
_Thank you for being my first love, Daniel. Thank you for always being there for me and giving me strength. Thank you for looking out for me and keeping me out of trouble. Thank you for taking care of me, for lifting me up when I was sad and for protecting me from my own demons when I was anxious and depressed. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and for accepting me the way I am. I hope you will be able to find love again one day (if you haven't found it already). You loved me so much back then and I'm sure your love must be even stronger now. I know we were just kids back then when we dated, stupid teenagers without a clue about the big wide world, but you taught me what love really means. You are truly amazing, Danny. Whoever gets to love you if unbelievably lucky and I hope they treat you with the care and respect you deserve, I hope they realize how special you are and I hope they show you their love and loyalty every single day. You deserve the entire world and more._   
_The point is, you taught me what love is, you're the reason why I know what loving someone really means. You taught me how to deal with my emotions and my pain and you taught me how to be happy and live life like there's no tomorrow. I'm so grateful for you and for everything you've done for me. I wish you love and happiness and all the best. You deserve it, Daniel._

There are tears running down his cheeks when his attention breaks like a levee and allows his emotions to escape like a flood. Daniel sobs and it's the only noise in his apartment and he feels so fucking lonely. He feels empty and alone and Max is back in Europe and he's getting married.

Max moved on while Daniel is still sitting on his sofa in his apartment and crying over a boy that doesn't love him. He's so pathetic and the words, no matter how nice and sincere they are, hurt so much that Daniel ends up kneeling on the floor, clutching his phone to his chest and sobbing like he is going to die. It feels like homesickness. Missing Max still feels like missing home after all those years.

He wants to reply so badly, he wants to tell Max that he's not over him and that he doesn't want him to move on either. He feels horrible for it because Max deserves to be happy and if it's Charles instead of Daniel who makes him smile until his cheeks hurt then Daniel will live with ít somehow. He deserves to be happy and Daniel stopped making him happy a long time ago.

Daniel feels miserable for wanting Max back, for craving his hugs and his gentle kisses, his jokes and his tired smiles. He feels miserable for being jealous of Charles who's now on the receiving end of Max's love. 

He needs to move on. His head is pounding by now and Daniel is not sure whether it hurts more than his heart. His brain keeps getting tangled up in old memories and Max, always circling back to his name and his smile and his voice and the smell he still remembers after all those years.

Melbourne shines brightly underneath him when Daniel sinks to the floor and leans his head against the cool glass of the window. He wishes Max could be here with him to see what Daniel is seeing, to feel the ache in his chest that Daniel is feeling. To give Daniel the love he says he deserves.

He wants Max back so badly and he can't get away from that thought.

Daniel watches his tears running down the smooth glass and he wonders what he did to end up like this.

_Hey Max. Congratulations, I'm glad you found happiness. I hope you'll have some great years with Charles and I hope he's able to give you all the love I was too stupid to give you. I'm sorry for the way things ended and for the way I screwed things up._

_The thing is, I miss you. I miss you so fucking much and I don't know how to deal with that. I just want you back. I'm not over you. I'm far from it, really. I love you, Max. I love you but I hope Charles can make you truly happy. I'm sorry that I couldn't._

He deletes it all before he can even think about hitting the tiny send button. Or at least he hopes he does.

Daniel feels as pathetic as he looks in the reflection of the window.


End file.
